What does it matter? We’re fine just the way we are.

So you meet this guy and instantly, you’re attracted to him.  He’s handsome, charming, a gentleman, and seems to have everything that you have on your imaginary list.  Before you know it, the two of you are talking every day.  Not a morning goes by where you don’t wake up to a good morning text and you get butterflies in your stomach whenever you see his name pop up on your phone. You go out to the movies maybe once or twice, but the majority of the time you guys hang out at home.  It’s like everything starts to make sense once you're with him. 

You decide to wait to have sex because you want this one to be different.  You tell yourself you want a relationship that’s based on the mental, not physical and that if he truly likes you, he’ll understand.  What makes him even more perfect is that he hasn’t even tried to sleep with you yet.

Whenever you two are together, time flies and you start to believe that he may be the one.  You and he seem to click, even without the sex and after a month or two, you feel yourself start to fall for him.

Then you get drunk and all that sex shit flies out the window.

Suddenly you two are having sex regularly and while the talks don’t get shorter, the content is no longer deep.  The good morning texts start to slow down and you realize that after all this time, you still don’t have a title.  You two are still in the ‘talking’ stage and you have no idea exactly what you're doing.  Too afraid to ask, you start to notice that he no longer takes you out on dates.  You bring it to his attention and he tries to make an effort, however, in your head it’s just not good enough, you want more. When you finally ask him, “Babe, what are we?  Like what exactly are we doing?”  He simply replies with, “I don’t know.”  Or even worse, “What does it matter? We’re fine just the way we are.”

A situationship.

I've heard the saying 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk free' when referring to having sex outside of a relationship.  I beg to differ.  Sex isn't the end all, be all.  While I believe it does play a role when it comes to building a relationship, it shouldn’t make or break it.  I seriously laugh when I hear about relationship books saying you should have a three month, six month, or 183 day rule.  It's stupid because I can't place a numerical time limit on sex. That's so contrived and sex to me is the total opposite.  If it happens prior to a relationship, then so be it, however, I would never let it hinder me from getting into a relationship with someone.

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.

With that being said, I love the comfort of making love to someone that is solely mine.  I understand a lot of people may argue that just because you have the title of boyfriend and girlfriend, doesn't mean that person will honor it.  Regardless, if I'm calling you my boyfriend, my man, my king, I'm expecting you to act as such. It means we agreed to be exclusive and I'm trusting you to respect that.  We are in a relationship, a committed one at that, so I'm going to enjoy that comfort.  Sex and all.

When I found myself in a situationship, it drove me crazy.  Comfort was nonexistent. Whenever he would do things that upset me, I didn't know how to address it because there were no rules or boundaries.  He could’ve decided to leave at any given moment because, at the end of the day, we weren't together. 

I would watch him flirt with other women and get pissed at him.  Then turn around and be upset with myself, all the while confused. I was so passive aggressive because truthfully, I didn't even have a right to get mad.  We weren't together.  We were just in a situation, 'talking'.  Not even dating, but just dealing with each other.  There wasn't shit I could do.  He knew that and took full advantage of it.

I think he truly enjoyed it because he was able to straddle the fence.  One leg was on the single side, the other was on the relationship side and his mood ultimately determined which side he was on.  Though I tried to do the same, I couldn't.  I'm not built for that 50/50 bullshit. I want it all.  The relationship.  The title.  The pet names.  The dates.  The cuddling.  The deep talks.  I want my own man and to be his one and only.  But in situationships all you’ll get is chilling, long talks about nothing, and a guy who fits the bill physically. 

Oh yeah and sex.  Lots and lots of sex.

I’m not built for that 50/50 bullshit.

I struggled with it because I wanted more, but couldn’t justify it.  Technically, we were together, but we weren’t official.  I would tell him I what I wanted and he would reply, “Well adding a title isn’t going to change anything, so really what’s the point?”  I wouldn’t have an answer for him so I would just leave it alone, but it tore me up inside.  I wanted more, I needed more.

After it ended, I realized that I gave him girlfriend privileges when I didn't have the title of a girlfriend.  It's something I see a lot of my friends do, give their partner privileges when their partner doesn't deserve it.  Here you are working hard to impress this person when in reality, they're not even worried about losing you.  Why in the hell would anyone commit to someone when they're already giving them the benefits of being together?  What sense does that make?  At that point, they're not getting just the cow; they're getting the whole fucking farm for free.

Stop giving girlfriend privileges to temporary men.

My love is strong; too strong to waste on a man who's straddling the fence and I won't settle.  I deserve commitment and a relationship. I don't deserve confusion and 50/50.  This whole no strings attached bullshit that I find more and more people settling into isn't for me.  I need strings, attachment and all.  I deserve that shit. I'm worth it.

If you're in a situationship and it works, I'm happy for you. 

If you're in a situationship and you hate it, leave.  I'm sorry to say, it won't get any better.  Waiting around for that title is terrible.  While you're waiting, your other half is out there riding that fence like a damn bull.  They may come around, they may not.  But are they really worth waiting around for? Especially when they even don't see you're worth the commitment of a relationship? 

Know your worth, even if the person you care deeply about doesn't because a bond is worthless if there’s no one willing to commit to it.


Brittani Gaines1 Comment